more depressing than i intended

It blows my mind just how content I can be to hide in my room all day and watch the day turn back into night. At the same time, I get inexplicably lonely. At the point, I have no one that I really talk to, so I can only wait it out until I can convince myself that it's just bullshit. I can just hop onto the PS4 and play video games. I can order food for delivery. I can surf the net and fulfill my social needs through reading comics and manga. It's odd, but I'm an odd person.

I've pretty much given up on finding a boyfriend. I have neither the time nor the energy for anyone but myself. Maybe if I happen to run into the perfect guy, then yeah. I like to think I'd pursue it, but at this point... I'm beyond all hope. I barely have enough drive to go out and hang with old friends, but that's probably because I've been under the weather for the past few months. Maybe once I get these chest pains diagnosed, I can get better. But I'm really not harboring any hope on that end. Like most things with my Lupus, it's very hard to find relief.

I get bogged down by symptoms that often last a day or two, but they're crippling. Even if I do go see the doctor, they can never really help me. I can only wait it out, so why waste my time? I actually think that I'm so good of an actor that the person I'm fooling most is myself. I can function well because I tell myself that I have to. I don't have any other options. I have to be ok because if I'm not, what am I going to do?

This may not necessarily be a bad thing. I fool myself, then that means I'm fooling others too. I like to believe that if I can convince myself that I'm fine, I will be fine in the end. But at the same time, I know this isn't healthy. I'm just stuck here in this rut while everyone else keeps drifting along. My bost is dilapidated and I don't have the courage to try and jump on someone else's.

That's a big issue too. I don't want to disappoint anyone. There are so many days when I'm not well and I am a terrible person when that happens. I don't wish to be that kind of burden on anyone. So I've ultimately resigned myself to a life of solitude. I can be fine on my own, or so I lead myself to believe. As long as I have these outlets for myself in my hobbies and my blog and my sporadic writing.

Loneliness is just a passing emotion, like everything else I feel.

I can be happy with little things.

past the point of no return

Do you ever come to a point in your day where you just have to stop and evaluate your life? That was me last night as Dia and I struggled to wrangle Coco into my car. Dia and I are both five feet tall and that's being optimistic. Coco is extremely skinny, but tall as hell. So one can imagine how well we fared when he was completely sloshed and barely, BARELY able to walk. We went down on the cold ass concrete twice. Somehow Dia and I managed to get him back into his apartment and onto his couch before running away. I was terrified that his girlfriend would wake up and kill us, but we dipped out quick as shit.

It was about 4:30 in the morning when we cut through the parking lot and smoked a cigarette before parting ways. I felt so guilty that I had nightmare about last night. Coco was fine one second and completely obliterated the next. I'd never seen him that drunk before. It was disturbing and hilarious, but never again will I let him get that bad again! I'm just thankful that Dia was there. I would not have been able to do it alone.

fragments

Remember when I said that I was terrified of change? I've been at my new job for a few months now and although I'm not home as I used to be, it's become another home. I know people there and everyone is nice to me. Hours are good and money is better than before. Aside from that, I've made a new girl friend and I love her and we always work together. Every day is full of laughter, no matter how stressful and chaotic things get. So I'm content.

Girl friends never really come easily to me. I get along with and hang out with girls every once in a while, but I'm terrible at keeping in touch. That goes for everyone, actually. I've been thinking lately. The thing about me is that I love, love, love things about people. Pieces of them, but the whole package is way too much for me to handle. Does that make any sense? Am I just strange?

I love the moments. I'll miss people when they're long gone. Maybe I'm just taking these things for granted. Maybe I'll never change. But you know, the memories are good enough for me. I know I'll move forward and make more. Even though there are days I regret letting people go, even though there are days that I feel helplessly lonely. If I smile, I can find happiness and minutes of content in any of my days with the people that surround me. Strangers or not, it doesn't matter because I'm a simple girl. Easily amused and eager to smile.

The longer I live my life, the more I understand that I'm probably going to be flying solo. The funny thing is that I believe that I'll be alright. I don't need a whole person, I don't have any need to make one person 'mine'. Maybe I'm just saying this because I haven't met the right one, but as of now I'm ok. Maybe it's because I know that I don't have to be alone. I could choose someone and they would love me. Somehow that isn't what I want. You could call me arrogant or fickle, but that's just who I am.

Generosity comes easily to me in many aspects, but I can see that I'm actually extremely selfish. Especially when it comes to my time. I need to have time for myself and that's something that I absolutely refuse to compromise on... yet, at least. I dream. We all do. But I'm not about to let any disappointment drag me down. Until something happens, I can keep going on by myself. 

I'll cross that bridge or burn it when it comes around.

keep up, kids.

So in the time that I have been missing, the tavern turned into TJ's. I left that place to open a new restaurant closer to my house. I'd been there for about a month and a half. It was fine most days, other than the fact that I was being worked into the ground. I loved my coworkers and we had such fun despite having spent so little time together, but I quit a couple months ago. I straight up told my poor manager that I wasn't coming back to work anymore, then we all went out to the bar for an impromptu going away party.

I had a lot of fun! Of course, I could've spent that $70 on a new PS4 game... but I wouldn't have enjoyed the company of my friends. I meant to keep in touch with them somehow. I just have to keep to it. When I told everyone, the first thing they asked if I was ok and that meant a lot to me. People care and it's so sweet. For someone as nonchalant and detached as me, it doesn't take a lot for me to be touched.

Thinking back on it now, I was so happy and I was having so much fun. Being surrounded by friends and laughing the night away together. Fast forward to today and I can actually say that I've seen Eric and Ed recently. Even Dia and Coco. So I think I'm getting better at this maintaining relations business. I know that I can't go back, but every now and then I remember the people I've met and spent time with. I remember the fun we had and the happiness that we shared. It's bittersweet, knowing it happened, but also knowing that I'm further from those days than ever before.

I remember being in high school and going to John's house to play video and board games. Going to the mall, driving up and down 29 with Rod, Ness, Serge, Cris, and Jim. We'd eat, get Rita's, laugh our summer days away before going off to college.

I remember working my first job at Starbucks and being nestled in between Nicki and Melinda. They protected me at random house parties and looked after me. I remember the boys that would follow me around in the later years, and how we would go drink at Jon's place after work. How we would drink and smoke all night and open the store the following morning. We would go to movies, bars, hide from girlfriends.

I remember working at the ramen house. I remember Eichi being like a second father to me and how he was all seeing. Elvi used to be the only one who would do something for my birthday.

I remember at Beck's all the people I met and loved. All the people that fell away and returned to their own lives. Before this point, I'd never been at a place where the turnover rate was so high. But in that short time, we made good memories. Bar hopping in Baltimore with Pat and Erik. Drinking at the Q every night after work with Bell, Drea, and Lu. Baseball games, Tasca parties, cook outs.

A person can never go back, only forward.

I'm determined to find more from this point on. To live harder.

surprise

It's been nearly a month since I updated this blog. I don't even remember doing it, but according to my last post... I was here. Now I'm back, checking in on myself since I'm the only one that reads this.

I have a growing list of habits that I'm trying to build myself up for. It seems endless and in vain, but I really want to see it through one of these days. One thing I've noticed is that I'm really, really forgetful! I legit need to start writing down thoughts and ideas when I have them because as sure as I am that I'll remember everything that I want to remember, I will always forget! Somehow, I'll need to have a pen and some paper on me at all times.

I've been slacking on my daily medication. I keep jumping around on the prednisone dose, but I think I should keep taking 20mg for now. The weather change has not been kind to my body. As beautiful as it is, I'm so hurt these days. The pain at my back/chest is like a constant knife being pushed into my back and breathing becomes painful. My rheumatologist took an x-ray last time I was there, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Aside from that, my hair has been falling out in some serious amounts. It grows back little baby hairs, but it's falling out quicker than it can grow. So I cut it off to my usual pixie cut to hinder my baldness.

Everyone likes it, but I wanted to grow my hair out for once. Maybe another time.

revival of the dead

I've found that it's a lot easier to be poetic when I'm typing a blog entry as opposed to manually writing with pen to paper these days. I don't know why, but as much as I try to physically write every day it never comes off as something worthy. I've found that writing, while somehow therapeutic and refreshing, is horribly rough and disorganized. I hesitate and overthink a lot, maybe too much, and that's probably why the writing itself turns into a huge, unintelligible mess. Typing text is cleaner and much less prone to consequence.

Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble with creativity. I'm too meek. Too cautious. Too unwilling to go off the rails and free scribble. I'm working on it. I'm working on a lot of things these days. Currently, I am in the process of cleaning the dark, dusty corners of my room. I'm sorting through the hoarded junk I've accumulated and found that things I had saved out of sentiment five years ago can be thrown out today. So a lot of plastic bags of trash have been coming out of my room. It feels good to get rid of old things to make room for new.

I'm still at the same restaurant. Many things have changed and will continue to change. Being in this industry, you see many people come and go. Some will linger longer than others, but most of them will eventually leave. It's that time of year again and most of our staff has gone back to school or moved onto other things. I'm an old hat and it's hard to leave a place where everyone knows and is nice to me. I'm terrified of going through that new kid phase again where I didn't know everything there was to know about the place I worked.

Health-wise, I'm doing a lot better than I was a few months ago. I'm regularly-ish taking my daily medication and finding that I have so much more energy than I did back then. It feels good and I'm trying to take advantage of this condition to be productive and keep moving. At the same time, I'm mindful about getting enough rest and giving my body some time to recuperate. Things are ok and I'm as thin as I want to be. Most people still believe me when I tell them I'm nineteen years old, so that's a very good thing for me.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing from here on out, but I'm hoping to read more and write more. I need to make it a habit. Hopefully it gets a little easier from there!

another year, another hour

A lot has changed since the last time I've logged on here. I got a new job, new friends, and a new social life. It all began shortly after my last post, actually. I went and got myself a new serving gig at this fancy restaurant... It was all unintentional. I panicked because I had no real plans of leaving my old job. Although I was terrified the moment I stepped into the first training session, I'm really glad that I stuck around and gave the thing a shot.

There have been so many changes at that place since it opened last May 2014. I met new people and made new friends. I put an end to a relationship that I simply wasn't happy with anymore and had fun getting to know the people I worked with without restraint. Jon and I have been together for six months now. We've been through many things and we'll continue to work through whatever the future brings us. I can say that because he's different and I've changed. It's hard to believe, but I learn as I age. I level up with all the new experiences that I can tuck under my belt.