more depressing than i intended

It blows my mind just how content I can be to hide in my room all day and watch the day turn back into night. At the same time, I get inexplicably lonely. At the point, I have no one that I really talk to, so I can only wait it out until I can convince myself that it's just bullshit. I can just hop onto the PS4 and play video games. I can order food for delivery. I can surf the net and fulfill my social needs through reading comics and manga. It's odd, but I'm an odd person.

I've pretty much given up on finding a boyfriend. I have neither the time nor the energy for anyone but myself. Maybe if I happen to run into the perfect guy, then yeah. I like to think I'd pursue it, but at this point... I'm beyond all hope. I barely have enough drive to go out and hang with old friends, but that's probably because I've been under the weather for the past few months. Maybe once I get these chest pains diagnosed, I can get better. But I'm really not harboring any hope on that end. Like most things with my Lupus, it's very hard to find relief.

I get bogged down by symptoms that often last a day or two, but they're crippling. Even if I do go see the doctor, they can never really help me. I can only wait it out, so why waste my time? I actually think that I'm so good of an actor that the person I'm fooling most is myself. I can function well because I tell myself that I have to. I don't have any other options. I have to be ok because if I'm not, what am I going to do?

This may not necessarily be a bad thing. I fool myself, then that means I'm fooling others too. I like to believe that if I can convince myself that I'm fine, I will be fine in the end. But at the same time, I know this isn't healthy. I'm just stuck here in this rut while everyone else keeps drifting along. My bost is dilapidated and I don't have the courage to try and jump on someone else's.

That's a big issue too. I don't want to disappoint anyone. There are so many days when I'm not well and I am a terrible person when that happens. I don't wish to be that kind of burden on anyone. So I've ultimately resigned myself to a life of solitude. I can be fine on my own, or so I lead myself to believe. As long as I have these outlets for myself in my hobbies and my blog and my sporadic writing.

Loneliness is just a passing emotion, like everything else I feel.

I can be happy with little things.

past the point of no return

Do you ever come to a point in your day where you just have to stop and evaluate your life? That was me last night as Dia and I struggled to wrangle Coco into my car. Dia and I are both five feet tall and that's being optimistic. Coco is extremely skinny, but tall as hell. So one can imagine how well we fared when he was completely sloshed and barely, BARELY able to walk. We went down on the cold ass concrete twice. Somehow Dia and I managed to get him back into his apartment and onto his couch before running away. I was terrified that his girlfriend would wake up and kill us, but we dipped out quick as shit.

It was about 4:30 in the morning when we cut through the parking lot and smoked a cigarette before parting ways. I felt so guilty that I had nightmare about last night. Coco was fine one second and completely obliterated the next. I'd never seen him that drunk before. It was disturbing and hilarious, but never again will I let him get that bad again! I'm just thankful that Dia was there. I would not have been able to do it alone.

fragments

Remember when I said that I was terrified of change? I've been at my new job for a few months now and although I'm not home as I used to be, it's become another home. I know people there and everyone is nice to me. Hours are good and money is better than before. Aside from that, I've made a new girl friend and I love her and we always work together. Every day is full of laughter, no matter how stressful and chaotic things get. So I'm content.

Girl friends never really come easily to me. I get along with and hang out with girls every once in a while, but I'm terrible at keeping in touch. That goes for everyone, actually. I've been thinking lately. The thing about me is that I love, love, love things about people. Pieces of them, but the whole package is way too much for me to handle. Does that make any sense? Am I just strange?

I love the moments. I'll miss people when they're long gone. Maybe I'm just taking these things for granted. Maybe I'll never change. But you know, the memories are good enough for me. I know I'll move forward and make more. Even though there are days I regret letting people go, even though there are days that I feel helplessly lonely. If I smile, I can find happiness and minutes of content in any of my days with the people that surround me. Strangers or not, it doesn't matter because I'm a simple girl. Easily amused and eager to smile.

The longer I live my life, the more I understand that I'm probably going to be flying solo. The funny thing is that I believe that I'll be alright. I don't need a whole person, I don't have any need to make one person 'mine'. Maybe I'm just saying this because I haven't met the right one, but as of now I'm ok. Maybe it's because I know that I don't have to be alone. I could choose someone and they would love me. Somehow that isn't what I want. You could call me arrogant or fickle, but that's just who I am.

Generosity comes easily to me in many aspects, but I can see that I'm actually extremely selfish. Especially when it comes to my time. I need to have time for myself and that's something that I absolutely refuse to compromise on... yet, at least. I dream. We all do. But I'm not about to let any disappointment drag me down. Until something happens, I can keep going on by myself. 

I'll cross that bridge or burn it when it comes around.

keep up, kids.

So in the time that I have been missing, the tavern turned into TJ's. I left that place to open a new restaurant closer to my house. I'd been there for about a month and a half. It was fine most days, other than the fact that I was being worked into the ground. I loved my coworkers and we had such fun despite having spent so little time together, but I quit a couple months ago. I straight up told my poor manager that I wasn't coming back to work anymore, then we all went out to the bar for an impromptu going away party.

I had a lot of fun! Of course, I could've spent that $70 on a new PS4 game... but I wouldn't have enjoyed the company of my friends. I meant to keep in touch with them somehow. I just have to keep to it. When I told everyone, the first thing they asked if I was ok and that meant a lot to me. People care and it's so sweet. For someone as nonchalant and detached as me, it doesn't take a lot for me to be touched.

Thinking back on it now, I was so happy and I was having so much fun. Being surrounded by friends and laughing the night away together. Fast forward to today and I can actually say that I've seen Eric and Ed recently. Even Dia and Coco. So I think I'm getting better at this maintaining relations business. I know that I can't go back, but every now and then I remember the people I've met and spent time with. I remember the fun we had and the happiness that we shared. It's bittersweet, knowing it happened, but also knowing that I'm further from those days than ever before.

I remember being in high school and going to John's house to play video and board games. Going to the mall, driving up and down 29 with Rod, Ness, Serge, Cris, and Jim. We'd eat, get Rita's, laugh our summer days away before going off to college.

I remember working my first job at Starbucks and being nestled in between Nicki and Melinda. They protected me at random house parties and looked after me. I remember the boys that would follow me around in the later years, and how we would go drink at Jon's place after work. How we would drink and smoke all night and open the store the following morning. We would go to movies, bars, hide from girlfriends.

I remember working at the ramen house. I remember Eichi being like a second father to me and how he was all seeing. Elvi used to be the only one who would do something for my birthday.

I remember at Beck's all the people I met and loved. All the people that fell away and returned to their own lives. Before this point, I'd never been at a place where the turnover rate was so high. But in that short time, we made good memories. Bar hopping in Baltimore with Pat and Erik. Drinking at the Q every night after work with Bell, Drea, and Lu. Baseball games, Tasca parties, cook outs.

A person can never go back, only forward.

I'm determined to find more from this point on. To live harder.

surprise

It's been nearly a month since I updated this blog. I don't even remember doing it, but according to my last post... I was here. Now I'm back, checking in on myself since I'm the only one that reads this.

I have a growing list of habits that I'm trying to build myself up for. It seems endless and in vain, but I really want to see it through one of these days. One thing I've noticed is that I'm really, really forgetful! I legit need to start writing down thoughts and ideas when I have them because as sure as I am that I'll remember everything that I want to remember, I will always forget! Somehow, I'll need to have a pen and some paper on me at all times.

I've been slacking on my daily medication. I keep jumping around on the prednisone dose, but I think I should keep taking 20mg for now. The weather change has not been kind to my body. As beautiful as it is, I'm so hurt these days. The pain at my back/chest is like a constant knife being pushed into my back and breathing becomes painful. My rheumatologist took an x-ray last time I was there, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Aside from that, my hair has been falling out in some serious amounts. It grows back little baby hairs, but it's falling out quicker than it can grow. So I cut it off to my usual pixie cut to hinder my baldness.

Everyone likes it, but I wanted to grow my hair out for once. Maybe another time.

revival of the dead

I've found that it's a lot easier to be poetic when I'm typing a blog entry as opposed to manually writing with pen to paper these days. I don't know why, but as much as I try to physically write every day it never comes off as something worthy. I've found that writing, while somehow therapeutic and refreshing, is horribly rough and disorganized. I hesitate and overthink a lot, maybe too much, and that's probably why the writing itself turns into a huge, unintelligible mess. Typing text is cleaner and much less prone to consequence.

Maybe that's why I'm having so much trouble with creativity. I'm too meek. Too cautious. Too unwilling to go off the rails and free scribble. I'm working on it. I'm working on a lot of things these days. Currently, I am in the process of cleaning the dark, dusty corners of my room. I'm sorting through the hoarded junk I've accumulated and found that things I had saved out of sentiment five years ago can be thrown out today. So a lot of plastic bags of trash have been coming out of my room. It feels good to get rid of old things to make room for new.

I'm still at the same restaurant. Many things have changed and will continue to change. Being in this industry, you see many people come and go. Some will linger longer than others, but most of them will eventually leave. It's that time of year again and most of our staff has gone back to school or moved onto other things. I'm an old hat and it's hard to leave a place where everyone knows and is nice to me. I'm terrified of going through that new kid phase again where I didn't know everything there was to know about the place I worked.

Health-wise, I'm doing a lot better than I was a few months ago. I'm regularly-ish taking my daily medication and finding that I have so much more energy than I did back then. It feels good and I'm trying to take advantage of this condition to be productive and keep moving. At the same time, I'm mindful about getting enough rest and giving my body some time to recuperate. Things are ok and I'm as thin as I want to be. Most people still believe me when I tell them I'm nineteen years old, so that's a very good thing for me.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing from here on out, but I'm hoping to read more and write more. I need to make it a habit. Hopefully it gets a little easier from there!

another year, another hour

A lot has changed since the last time I've logged on here. I got a new job, new friends, and a new social life. It all began shortly after my last post, actually. I went and got myself a new serving gig at this fancy restaurant... It was all unintentional. I panicked because I had no real plans of leaving my old job. Although I was terrified the moment I stepped into the first training session, I'm really glad that I stuck around and gave the thing a shot.

There have been so many changes at that place since it opened last May 2014. I met new people and made new friends. I put an end to a relationship that I simply wasn't happy with anymore and had fun getting to know the people I worked with without restraint. Jon and I have been together for six months now. We've been through many things and we'll continue to work through whatever the future brings us. I can say that because he's different and I've changed. It's hard to believe, but I learn as I age. I level up with all the new experiences that I can tuck under my belt.

grayscale

I got a bad cold last week and ever since then my body has been in chaos. It's crazy how easy it is to forget. I remember these feelings, but I don't remember what they feel like. Half of me wants to curl up in bed and wait it out. The other half pushes those thoughts into the corner with a simple 'fuck off' as I rise and start my day. It keeps it there while I gingerly hop down the stairs, one step at a time, ignoring the sharp, strange pain that shoots up the front of my ankles. I dismiss all thoughts of being incapacitated when I throw a wide, uninhibited spin into my stride and make myself laugh at my silliness. I stand under the shower and hope the hot water will ease the inflammation in my joints while I wonder how I'll manage throughout the day.

But I know I'll make it.

It's hard to type and my wrists feel hot and swollen. Simple things become the tiniest challenges, but I make myself carry them out as if the pain isn't there. Because it's not like my body is broken. I can still move, I can still go, I can still smile and laugh. One day, I'll wake up and I'll be fine again.

For now, it's annoying, it's discouraging, and it makes me second guess my future. Even then, I'll be fine because that's the best I can do.

That's enough of that. I've got other things to worry about... for example, my super adorable little cousin is going to be coming here from the Philippines and living with us. I've thought about this often and it's hard to believe that this is going to be real. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is going to be some shit. Not that I don't want them to come here, there are just a number of things I'm going to have to be conscious of.

Such as:

1. Must wear pants & shirts at all times. Usually, I like traipsing around, scantily clad at midnight in search of a snack. This may shock and traumatize my aunt and uncle if I'm ever caught. Though I could go into streak mode and sprint up the stairs.

2. Must play the part of a proper, dignified and well-tempered lady. This means no violent outbursts and battle cries when I feel inclined to do so. I have a feeling I'll forget and act a fool in front of them. The horror.

3. Must keep the bathroom clean. I'm not leaving a hair behind.

4. Must do laundry within the day as opposed to over a course of five days.

5. Must be wary of my weight because they're FREAKIN' SKINNY and they'll certainly be on my case about being so wide. I know it. I can feel it from this point in time. I can feel the future. History repeats itself and this is no different.

I'm so worried about my cousin though. What if he hates it here? It's hard to find a job and it's so high strung compared to where he's coming from. That's what I hate about life in this area. It's so fast paced and soul sucking. I wish we didn't have to obsessively focus on these things in pursuit of happiness. It takes a toll on people and it just makes me wonder if it's worth it. Is it out of greed that things turned out this way?

I'm beginning to talk about stupid stuff, so I'll end here. My fingers are going to lock up soon and I'd best sleep before then.

chilly winter days

It's been super cold here lately. My ankles and my eyes are feeling it. I woke up this morning looking like Quasimodo. Good thing I have nowhere important to be because this is the perfect time to roll around in bed all day and nap.

I went to Nellie's on U St the other night to meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I figured my presence wasn't really much to be excited about, but I went anyway since they asked me to go. I'm always like that, I don't think anyone will miss me much if I can't make it. I guess it's kind of sad. But people were so happy to see me. I'm glad I went. Even though they were petting me all night, which was oddly comforting. I had such a nice time and I'd forgotten the kind of company I've been missing out on all these years. We laughed so much and reflected on our younger years. We've all changed, but much of ourselves have remained the same. I didn't even mind that I didn't get home until four in the morning.

And last night I was surprised by old friends that I haven't seen in years. They were both people I used to hang out with quite frequently, but it's funny how life takes us in different directions. It was nice because I was able to reminisce and smile at the memories I could recall. It's fun to think that once we were close and now we're little more than strangers. I don't harbor any bitter feelings. I hardly think that you have to be together forever. We were friends once at one point in time and that'll never change. That's how life is anyway, paths run alongside each other for a while before branching out.

I still miss being young.

christmas my ass

I always, always, always forget that Christmas comes so soon after Thanksgiving. I think I'm screwed in terms of finances. Sadly, I'll have to properly ration my funds so everyone can get a nice gift and I can pay my bills. One good thing is that weekends at work are pretty busy, so the tips are rolling in. I really think I need to find a new job though because I've been at the ramen house for close to three years. It's just so hard because it's still fun and it's like a second family. Then again, I can't just have worked at Starbucks and a ramen house for all twenty-five years of my life... That's just sad.

And the semester is almost over. The longer I'm in school, the more I think that it's not for me. But what else am I going to do with my life? I don't know... I wish we covered this stuff in high school and they presented us with more than just college or doom once we were done. :\ Ah, I suppose I'll just have to marry someone who knows what they're doing, huh?

profanity season

Last week, I decided that I'd knuckle down and do my homework assignments properly and not at the last minute. Out of the blue, I find out that the second exam of the semester is scheduled for Monday and it's in-class. I clicked the page a dozen times and read it over, hoping I was mistaken or that it was just a joke. But no, it was real. I was just like, 'FUCK.' And I couldn't even start studying because I knew that I would forget by the time Monday rolled around.

Needlessly to say, I studied like crazy this afternoon and ended up knocking out for the rest of the afternoon. I was so freakin' tired after waking up early to see the doctor and have my monthly infusion. It was really easy to accept the impending failure, but I went to school early and did some cramming the hour before.

I think the exam wasn't all that bad. Hopefully I didn't bomb like I thought I would. Hopefully I did as well as I think I did... but time will tell. Either way, I did better than I expected because I predicted an absolute failure. The blank sheet kind with only my name scrawled on the top of it.

Thank God the final will be online. I don't think I can do another one of those.

On another note, I joined the Barnes & Noble membership club thing. Maybe it'll pay off. Maybe it won't. But they have lots of cute Doctor Who gadgets that I just want. Nnngh.

i'm too old to cry

You know, the saddest part about visiting my family in the overseas isn't just leaving. It's coming home to an empty house after being surrounded by company that I never realized I missed. The family relationship was never something I truly got growing up, but my cousins are like the siblings I never had. I know I'll cling to them for a while over the next few weeks.

Then I'll gradually forget.

I'll slowly begin to move on in life.

We won't talk anymore until I head over there again.

I'm sad.

Too sad.

:[ Why is the world so big?

fangirling & other stuff you'll never actually see me do

So check this out.

I was surfing the Goodreads website, just hoping to find some new books to read because... hey, it's summer and I'm going to be flying off to the Philippines soon enough. Anyways, I picked out a few titles before jumping on my Nook to download their samples off the store. This is why I love the Nook or any e-reader for that matter. No one can see whatever trashy, shitty, juvenile novel I decide to read. And they can't judge me on it. For real!

Anyways, the second a pull up the first book, I accidentally tap purchase instead of sample. Well, fuck. I tap somewhere else to try and get out of it, but it ends up being the spot to confirm the purchase. Now I'm like FUUUUUUCKfine. I figure that I'd read it since I just bought it, maybe go through it on the plane in a few weeks.

But no, I finished that book within a day. The thing about me is you can give me a mediocre book and I'll just absolutely love it because my brain does all this other shit with it on its own. My brain is crazy, it just does whatever the fuck it wants. But seriously, I loved the antagonist in Shadow and Bone. I'm just such a sucker for bad guys.

I think I know why I steer clear of all this shit. It's because the littlest things get into my head and set off these short lived intense bouts of fangirling that I am not proud of. More recently it was Sherlock, then it was Doctor Who, now it's this book.

Damn.

i should be more committed

In everything I do, really.

I never really give anything my all because I'm always scared that my best wouldn't be good enough. But you know, as I get older, I find that I have less to lose. I've adopted a 'whatever happens, happens' sort of mentality that really works for me. I don't need to get stressed, I don't need to run after the bus, I can take changed plans and run with them.

I've been feeling great lately, actually. Aside from the recent storms and crucial chest pains... My joints are aching now, but it's only when this happens that I realize just how nice these past few months have been. I'm still tired a lot and it reminds me of the time before I was diagnosed, but I'm managing somehow.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the solitary life. The getting dressed, going out, drinking, and having fun gets tiring after a while. But then again, I'm lucky to have such a drama free life. Everything is so relaxed and easy, even though I might not realize that all the time.

I spend my weekend nights laughing, playing, snacking, and joking around on my shifts. I spend my free time hanging around my boyfriend's place, driving out into the night or napping. I spend my days at home watching my daughter grow up and studying.

I miss having time to myself, but I think I can manage. I keep thinking that I can't write because I have no free time when in reality I've just been uninspired for too long. I just have to keep at it, whether or not I'll get there someday.

Overall, I think I'm alright right now.

Life is good and I have the summer to look forward too.

Even though everyone has been commenting on my weight. Ugh.

where are you spring?

I wish it'd just get warm already. My car is getting filled with jackets I start off wearing at the beginning of the day. Then when I realize it's super warm, they get shoved in the trunk, never to be seen again. On another note, I need to go on serious diet mode and mean it this time. I'm due to go back to the Philippines in about two months and I'd better slim down fast. I mean... I know I'm going to get ridiculed either way, but I'd rather not feel like shit to begin with. And these fuckers at home are going on me about my weight these days all the time, so whatever. Ugh.

I just want to go out without being frozen. I'm so over winter. Please go away until November.

end of the world incoming

This weather has been suspiciously warm and it's somewhat of a bother to be pulling out the winter gear from the depths of my closets, only to change back to some light jacket the next day. It's like... cold one day, then when I dress for cold ass weather the next day and go to school... it's freakin' hot. Then I'll leave my coat at home, then suddenly it's freakin' cold. This happens all the time and I'm just like, "Fuuuuuuuuck."

:[ So I went to up to the Johns Hopkins Outpatient Center last week and it was a really nice place. It was like being in an airport and everything was so orderly. Dr. Petri doesn't think I have to have a kidney biopsy unless something reaches a certain level, so for now we're going to give the Imuran/Benlysta another go before going for the Cytoxan. All I want is to drop the prednisone back down because I'm a damn balloon. Ferreals... ferreals ferreals. I'm so fat and pimply and it's terrible.

On another note, Christmas is coming and I'm screwed~ and broke~ and so lazy to go shopping~

what am i doing with my life.

I have an unhealthy crush on Martin Freeman. He's like... what, fourty years old? But he's so adorable. D: I can't even stand it.

Ever since my friend told me to watch the BBC Sherlock on Netflix, I've been hooked. I wasn't even all that into it to begin with. I had to force myself to watch it, then somewhere along the way it just grew on me. So that's pretty much what I've been up to lately, aside from trying to write something.

The semester is almost done and everything is due on Monday. :| I should probably get to work on that.

Anyways, I got an appointment with that rheumatologist at Johns Hopkins next week and they sent me this massive packet to fill out and fax over before then. If there's anything I hate about going to see new doctors, it would be filling out these forms all over again. I just want to get this all over with so I can stop taking this prednisone because I look like a straight up fathead. :| I'm not even lying...!!

options & macarons

Yesterday I had to go see my rheumatologist and we just discussed all my options. She wants to try Cytoxan or Lupron. One which has a chance of me losing the option to have another child while the other just kind of puts me through a temporary menopause. I'm probably going to take my chances with the first option. They're alright since I'm still on the low end my the twenties. I don't even really know how I feel about my option to have another kid. To me, life has always been 'whatever happens, happens', and I'll find a way to deal with it or work around it.

I don't particularly care about a lot of things. I barely have an opinion. I can never choose sides because I have sympathies for both. Maybe I'm just odd.

But I saw my nephrologist yesterday as well and he is reluctant to do a biopsy on my kidney. He thinks my kidneys are alright, but my rheumatologist doesn't agree. Now she wants to send me to see this doctor in Baltimore where my old rheumatologist used to be, so I guess we'll see what happens after that.

Today my elbows won't straighten. This is going to be bothersome at work. I think I should've taken that shot the doctor was offering when I saw her. D:

Enough with the loops though...

I'm addicted to these macarons... It's crazy. I spent so much time looking at pictures of them online and they're even tastier than I ever imagined. It's like paradise in your mouth. I can't get over it, I'm going to have to go and get them every week now. That's about $20 out of my weekly pay for freakin' macarons. My favorite ones are the pistachio and rosewater. Chocolate and salted caramel is good too...

I want some now. :[

busy times

Sometimes I feel ok for so long that I forget that I'm sick. Then when this time of year rolls around everything just begins to fall apart again. But it isn't so bad this year, I actually feel ok most days if not more tired. I just have so many appointments with so many doctors with so many possibilities.

I wonder if I'll need to get a kidney biopsy. I wonder if I'll have to start chemotherapy. I wonder if I'll ever be able to keep my flares in check so I won't worry about if I can handle a job.

I just want to be ok in this world, you know?

good thursday

It's fuckin' cold out there. I mean... it was alright this morning, but once that sun goes down... it's fuckin' cold as shit! I don't know if I can do this guys. It's only November. I might not live to see the next year. :|

But I went to work the lunch shift today, then went to visit my friend after. We just smoked and I helped him put away their delivery while I waited for Squishy to get off work. I surprised him with my car because we'd been taking the bus around to chill for the past like... month. Haha. So we ate ramen, then went ice skating! It wasn't too hard to pick up again, surprisingly. I had lots of fun. :3

We watched Wreck It Ralph afterwards. I liked it. It really doesn't take much for me to like a movie. I tried not to cry near the end. >_> I think I got that habit from my mom. But there was this really cute animation at the beginning of it called 'Paperman' that I really liked. Everyone should go see it. :D Other than that, I want to see The Hobbit when it comes out... I'm sure lots of people do, but seeing trailers really get you excited, don't they?

Muh... I think I'm gonna sleep now though. Or try to. I have to clean the floors tomorrow morning and work the dinner shift. That I'm so freakin' hungry that I can't even go get a snack from the kitchen. 

If I sleep, I won't be hungry.

Genius, right?