grayscale

I got a bad cold last week and ever since then my body has been in chaos. It's crazy how easy it is to forget. I remember these feelings, but I don't remember what they feel like. Half of me wants to curl up in bed and wait it out. The other half pushes those thoughts into the corner with a simple 'fuck off' as I rise and start my day. It keeps it there while I gingerly hop down the stairs, one step at a time, ignoring the sharp, strange pain that shoots up the front of my ankles. I dismiss all thoughts of being incapacitated when I throw a wide, uninhibited spin into my stride and make myself laugh at my silliness. I stand under the shower and hope the hot water will ease the inflammation in my joints while I wonder how I'll manage throughout the day.

But I know I'll make it.

It's hard to type and my wrists feel hot and swollen. Simple things become the tiniest challenges, but I make myself carry them out as if the pain isn't there. Because it's not like my body is broken. I can still move, I can still go, I can still smile and laugh. One day, I'll wake up and I'll be fine again.

For now, it's annoying, it's discouraging, and it makes me second guess my future. Even then, I'll be fine because that's the best I can do.

That's enough of that. I've got other things to worry about... for example, my super adorable little cousin is going to be coming here from the Philippines and living with us. I've thought about this often and it's hard to believe that this is going to be real. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is going to be some shit. Not that I don't want them to come here, there are just a number of things I'm going to have to be conscious of.

Such as:

1. Must wear pants & shirts at all times. Usually, I like traipsing around, scantily clad at midnight in search of a snack. This may shock and traumatize my aunt and uncle if I'm ever caught. Though I could go into streak mode and sprint up the stairs.

2. Must play the part of a proper, dignified and well-tempered lady. This means no violent outbursts and battle cries when I feel inclined to do so. I have a feeling I'll forget and act a fool in front of them. The horror.

3. Must keep the bathroom clean. I'm not leaving a hair behind.

4. Must do laundry within the day as opposed to over a course of five days.

5. Must be wary of my weight because they're FREAKIN' SKINNY and they'll certainly be on my case about being so wide. I know it. I can feel it from this point in time. I can feel the future. History repeats itself and this is no different.

I'm so worried about my cousin though. What if he hates it here? It's hard to find a job and it's so high strung compared to where he's coming from. That's what I hate about life in this area. It's so fast paced and soul sucking. I wish we didn't have to obsessively focus on these things in pursuit of happiness. It takes a toll on people and it just makes me wonder if it's worth it. Is it out of greed that things turned out this way?

I'm beginning to talk about stupid stuff, so I'll end here. My fingers are going to lock up soon and I'd best sleep before then.

chilly winter days

It's been super cold here lately. My ankles and my eyes are feeling it. I woke up this morning looking like Quasimodo. Good thing I have nowhere important to be because this is the perfect time to roll around in bed all day and nap.

I went to Nellie's on U St the other night to meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I figured my presence wasn't really much to be excited about, but I went anyway since they asked me to go. I'm always like that, I don't think anyone will miss me much if I can't make it. I guess it's kind of sad. But people were so happy to see me. I'm glad I went. Even though they were petting me all night, which was oddly comforting. I had such a nice time and I'd forgotten the kind of company I've been missing out on all these years. We laughed so much and reflected on our younger years. We've all changed, but much of ourselves have remained the same. I didn't even mind that I didn't get home until four in the morning.

And last night I was surprised by old friends that I haven't seen in years. They were both people I used to hang out with quite frequently, but it's funny how life takes us in different directions. It was nice because I was able to reminisce and smile at the memories I could recall. It's fun to think that once we were close and now we're little more than strangers. I don't harbor any bitter feelings. I hardly think that you have to be together forever. We were friends once at one point in time and that'll never change. That's how life is anyway, paths run alongside each other for a while before branching out.

I still miss being young.

christmas my ass

I always, always, always forget that Christmas comes so soon after Thanksgiving. I think I'm screwed in terms of finances. Sadly, I'll have to properly ration my funds so everyone can get a nice gift and I can pay my bills. One good thing is that weekends at work are pretty busy, so the tips are rolling in. I really think I need to find a new job though because I've been at the ramen house for close to three years. It's just so hard because it's still fun and it's like a second family. Then again, I can't just have worked at Starbucks and a ramen house for all twenty-five years of my life... That's just sad.

And the semester is almost over. The longer I'm in school, the more I think that it's not for me. But what else am I going to do with my life? I don't know... I wish we covered this stuff in high school and they presented us with more than just college or doom once we were done. :\ Ah, I suppose I'll just have to marry someone who knows what they're doing, huh?

profanity season

Last week, I decided that I'd knuckle down and do my homework assignments properly and not at the last minute. Out of the blue, I find out that the second exam of the semester is scheduled for Monday and it's in-class. I clicked the page a dozen times and read it over, hoping I was mistaken or that it was just a joke. But no, it was real. I was just like, 'FUCK.' And I couldn't even start studying because I knew that I would forget by the time Monday rolled around.

Needlessly to say, I studied like crazy this afternoon and ended up knocking out for the rest of the afternoon. I was so freakin' tired after waking up early to see the doctor and have my monthly infusion. It was really easy to accept the impending failure, but I went to school early and did some cramming the hour before.

I think the exam wasn't all that bad. Hopefully I didn't bomb like I thought I would. Hopefully I did as well as I think I did... but time will tell. Either way, I did better than I expected because I predicted an absolute failure. The blank sheet kind with only my name scrawled on the top of it.

Thank God the final will be online. I don't think I can do another one of those.

On another note, I joined the Barnes & Noble membership club thing. Maybe it'll pay off. Maybe it won't. But they have lots of cute Doctor Who gadgets that I just want. Nnngh.

i'm too old to cry

You know, the saddest part about visiting my family in the overseas isn't just leaving. It's coming home to an empty house after being surrounded by company that I never realized I missed. The family relationship was never something I truly got growing up, but my cousins are like the siblings I never had. I know I'll cling to them for a while over the next few weeks.

Then I'll gradually forget.

I'll slowly begin to move on in life.

We won't talk anymore until I head over there again.

I'm sad.

Too sad.

:[ Why is the world so big?

fangirling & other stuff you'll never actually see me do

So check this out.

I was surfing the Goodreads website, just hoping to find some new books to read because... hey, it's summer and I'm going to be flying off to the Philippines soon enough. Anyways, I picked out a few titles before jumping on my Nook to download their samples off the store. This is why I love the Nook or any e-reader for that matter. No one can see whatever trashy, shitty, juvenile novel I decide to read. And they can't judge me on it. For real!

Anyways, the second a pull up the first book, I accidentally tap purchase instead of sample. Well, fuck. I tap somewhere else to try and get out of it, but it ends up being the spot to confirm the purchase. Now I'm like FUUUUUUCKfine. I figure that I'd read it since I just bought it, maybe go through it on the plane in a few weeks.

But no, I finished that book within a day. The thing about me is you can give me a mediocre book and I'll just absolutely love it because my brain does all this other shit with it on its own. My brain is crazy, it just does whatever the fuck it wants. But seriously, I loved the antagonist in Shadow and Bone. I'm just such a sucker for bad guys.

I think I know why I steer clear of all this shit. It's because the littlest things get into my head and set off these short lived intense bouts of fangirling that I am not proud of. More recently it was Sherlock, then it was Doctor Who, now it's this book.

Damn.

i should be more committed

In everything I do, really.

I never really give anything my all because I'm always scared that my best wouldn't be good enough. But you know, as I get older, I find that I have less to lose. I've adopted a 'whatever happens, happens' sort of mentality that really works for me. I don't need to get stressed, I don't need to run after the bus, I can take changed plans and run with them.

I've been feeling great lately, actually. Aside from the recent storms and crucial chest pains... My joints are aching now, but it's only when this happens that I realize just how nice these past few months have been. I'm still tired a lot and it reminds me of the time before I was diagnosed, but I'm managing somehow.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the solitary life. The getting dressed, going out, drinking, and having fun gets tiring after a while. But then again, I'm lucky to have such a drama free life. Everything is so relaxed and easy, even though I might not realize that all the time.

I spend my weekend nights laughing, playing, snacking, and joking around on my shifts. I spend my free time hanging around my boyfriend's place, driving out into the night or napping. I spend my days at home watching my daughter grow up and studying.

I miss having time to myself, but I think I can manage. I keep thinking that I can't write because I have no free time when in reality I've just been uninspired for too long. I just have to keep at it, whether or not I'll get there someday.

Overall, I think I'm alright right now.

Life is good and I have the summer to look forward too.

Even though everyone has been commenting on my weight. Ugh.