grayscale

I got a bad cold last week and ever since then my body has been in chaos. It's crazy how easy it is to forget. I remember these feelings, but I don't remember what they feel like. Half of me wants to curl up in bed and wait it out. The other half pushes those thoughts into the corner with a simple 'fuck off' as I rise and start my day. It keeps it there while I gingerly hop down the stairs, one step at a time, ignoring the sharp, strange pain that shoots up the front of my ankles. I dismiss all thoughts of being incapacitated when I throw a wide, uninhibited spin into my stride and make myself laugh at my silliness. I stand under the shower and hope the hot water will ease the inflammation in my joints while I wonder how I'll manage throughout the day.

But I know I'll make it.

It's hard to type and my wrists feel hot and swollen. Simple things become the tiniest challenges, but I make myself carry them out as if the pain isn't there. Because it's not like my body is broken. I can still move, I can still go, I can still smile and laugh. One day, I'll wake up and I'll be fine again.

For now, it's annoying, it's discouraging, and it makes me second guess my future. Even then, I'll be fine because that's the best I can do.

That's enough of that. I've got other things to worry about... for example, my super adorable little cousin is going to be coming here from the Philippines and living with us. I've thought about this often and it's hard to believe that this is going to be real. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is going to be some shit. Not that I don't want them to come here, there are just a number of things I'm going to have to be conscious of.

Such as:

1. Must wear pants & shirts at all times. Usually, I like traipsing around, scantily clad at midnight in search of a snack. This may shock and traumatize my aunt and uncle if I'm ever caught. Though I could go into streak mode and sprint up the stairs.

2. Must play the part of a proper, dignified and well-tempered lady. This means no violent outbursts and battle cries when I feel inclined to do so. I have a feeling I'll forget and act a fool in front of them. The horror.

3. Must keep the bathroom clean. I'm not leaving a hair behind.

4. Must do laundry within the day as opposed to over a course of five days.

5. Must be wary of my weight because they're FREAKIN' SKINNY and they'll certainly be on my case about being so wide. I know it. I can feel it from this point in time. I can feel the future. History repeats itself and this is no different.

I'm so worried about my cousin though. What if he hates it here? It's hard to find a job and it's so high strung compared to where he's coming from. That's what I hate about life in this area. It's so fast paced and soul sucking. I wish we didn't have to obsessively focus on these things in pursuit of happiness. It takes a toll on people and it just makes me wonder if it's worth it. Is it out of greed that things turned out this way?

I'm beginning to talk about stupid stuff, so I'll end here. My fingers are going to lock up soon and I'd best sleep before then.

chilly winter days

It's been super cold here lately. My ankles and my eyes are feeling it. I woke up this morning looking like Quasimodo. Good thing I have nowhere important to be because this is the perfect time to roll around in bed all day and nap.

I went to Nellie's on U St the other night to meet up with some friends that I haven't seen in a while. I figured my presence wasn't really much to be excited about, but I went anyway since they asked me to go. I'm always like that, I don't think anyone will miss me much if I can't make it. I guess it's kind of sad. But people were so happy to see me. I'm glad I went. Even though they were petting me all night, which was oddly comforting. I had such a nice time and I'd forgotten the kind of company I've been missing out on all these years. We laughed so much and reflected on our younger years. We've all changed, but much of ourselves have remained the same. I didn't even mind that I didn't get home until four in the morning.

And last night I was surprised by old friends that I haven't seen in years. They were both people I used to hang out with quite frequently, but it's funny how life takes us in different directions. It was nice because I was able to reminisce and smile at the memories I could recall. It's fun to think that once we were close and now we're little more than strangers. I don't harbor any bitter feelings. I hardly think that you have to be together forever. We were friends once at one point in time and that'll never change. That's how life is anyway, paths run alongside each other for a while before branching out.

I still miss being young.