past the point of no return

Do you ever come to a point in your day where you just have to stop and evaluate your life? That was me last night as Dia and I struggled to wrangle Coco into my car. Dia and I are both five feet tall and that's being optimistic. Coco is extremely skinny, but tall as hell. So one can imagine how well we fared when he was completely sloshed and barely, BARELY able to walk. We went down on the cold ass concrete twice. Somehow Dia and I managed to get him back into his apartment and onto his couch before running away. I was terrified that his girlfriend would wake up and kill us, but we dipped out quick as shit.

It was about 4:30 in the morning when we cut through the parking lot and smoked a cigarette before parting ways. I felt so guilty that I had nightmare about last night. Coco was fine one second and completely obliterated the next. I'd never seen him that drunk before. It was disturbing and hilarious, but never again will I let him get that bad again! I'm just thankful that Dia was there. I would not have been able to do it alone.

fragments

Remember when I said that I was terrified of change? I've been at my new job for a few months now and although I'm not home as I used to be, it's become another home. I know people there and everyone is nice to me. Hours are good and money is better than before. Aside from that, I've made a new girl friend and I love her and we always work together. Every day is full of laughter, no matter how stressful and chaotic things get. So I'm content.

Girl friends never really come easily to me. I get along with and hang out with girls every once in a while, but I'm terrible at keeping in touch. That goes for everyone, actually. I've been thinking lately. The thing about me is that I love, love, love things about people. Pieces of them, but the whole package is way too much for me to handle. Does that make any sense? Am I just strange?

I love the moments. I'll miss people when they're long gone. Maybe I'm just taking these things for granted. Maybe I'll never change. But you know, the memories are good enough for me. I know I'll move forward and make more. Even though there are days I regret letting people go, even though there are days that I feel helplessly lonely. If I smile, I can find happiness and minutes of content in any of my days with the people that surround me. Strangers or not, it doesn't matter because I'm a simple girl. Easily amused and eager to smile.

The longer I live my life, the more I understand that I'm probably going to be flying solo. The funny thing is that I believe that I'll be alright. I don't need a whole person, I don't have any need to make one person 'mine'. Maybe I'm just saying this because I haven't met the right one, but as of now I'm ok. Maybe it's because I know that I don't have to be alone. I could choose someone and they would love me. Somehow that isn't what I want. You could call me arrogant or fickle, but that's just who I am.

Generosity comes easily to me in many aspects, but I can see that I'm actually extremely selfish. Especially when it comes to my time. I need to have time for myself and that's something that I absolutely refuse to compromise on... yet, at least. I dream. We all do. But I'm not about to let any disappointment drag me down. Until something happens, I can keep going on by myself. 

I'll cross that bridge or burn it when it comes around.