I've pretty much given up on finding a boyfriend. I have neither the time nor the energy for anyone but myself. Maybe if I happen to run into the perfect guy, then yeah. I like to think I'd pursue it, but at this point... I'm beyond all hope. I barely have enough drive to go out and hang with old friends, but that's probably because I've been under the weather for the past few months. Maybe once I get these chest pains diagnosed, I can get better. But I'm really not harboring any hope on that end. Like most things with my Lupus, it's very hard to find relief.
I get bogged down by symptoms that often last a day or two, but they're crippling. Even if I do go see the doctor, they can never really help me. I can only wait it out, so why waste my time? I actually think that I'm so good of an actor that the person I'm fooling most is myself. I can function well because I tell myself that I have to. I don't have any other options. I have to be ok because if I'm not, what am I going to do?
This may not necessarily be a bad thing. I fool myself, then that means I'm fooling others too. I like to believe that if I can convince myself that I'm fine, I will be fine in the end. But at the same time, I know this isn't healthy. I'm just stuck here in this rut while everyone else keeps drifting along. My bost is dilapidated and I don't have the courage to try and jump on someone else's.
That's a big issue too. I don't want to disappoint anyone. There are so many days when I'm not well and I am a terrible person when that happens. I don't wish to be that kind of burden on anyone. So I've ultimately resigned myself to a life of solitude. I can be fine on my own, or so I lead myself to believe. As long as I have these outlets for myself in my hobbies and my blog and my sporadic writing.
Loneliness is just a passing emotion, like everything else I feel.
I can be happy with little things.
