end of the world incoming

This weather has been suspiciously warm and it's somewhat of a bother to be pulling out the winter gear from the depths of my closets, only to change back to some light jacket the next day. It's like... cold one day, then when I dress for cold ass weather the next day and go to school... it's freakin' hot. Then I'll leave my coat at home, then suddenly it's freakin' cold. This happens all the time and I'm just like, "Fuuuuuuuuck."

:[ So I went to up to the Johns Hopkins Outpatient Center last week and it was a really nice place. It was like being in an airport and everything was so orderly. Dr. Petri doesn't think I have to have a kidney biopsy unless something reaches a certain level, so for now we're going to give the Imuran/Benlysta another go before going for the Cytoxan. All I want is to drop the prednisone back down because I'm a damn balloon. Ferreals... ferreals ferreals. I'm so fat and pimply and it's terrible.

On another note, Christmas is coming and I'm screwed~ and broke~ and so lazy to go shopping~

what am i doing with my life.

I have an unhealthy crush on Martin Freeman. He's like... what, fourty years old? But he's so adorable. D: I can't even stand it.

Ever since my friend told me to watch the BBC Sherlock on Netflix, I've been hooked. I wasn't even all that into it to begin with. I had to force myself to watch it, then somewhere along the way it just grew on me. So that's pretty much what I've been up to lately, aside from trying to write something.

The semester is almost done and everything is due on Monday. :| I should probably get to work on that.

Anyways, I got an appointment with that rheumatologist at Johns Hopkins next week and they sent me this massive packet to fill out and fax over before then. If there's anything I hate about going to see new doctors, it would be filling out these forms all over again. I just want to get this all over with so I can stop taking this prednisone because I look like a straight up fathead. :| I'm not even lying...!!

options & macarons

Yesterday I had to go see my rheumatologist and we just discussed all my options. She wants to try Cytoxan or Lupron. One which has a chance of me losing the option to have another child while the other just kind of puts me through a temporary menopause. I'm probably going to take my chances with the first option. They're alright since I'm still on the low end my the twenties. I don't even really know how I feel about my option to have another kid. To me, life has always been 'whatever happens, happens', and I'll find a way to deal with it or work around it.

I don't particularly care about a lot of things. I barely have an opinion. I can never choose sides because I have sympathies for both. Maybe I'm just odd.

But I saw my nephrologist yesterday as well and he is reluctant to do a biopsy on my kidney. He thinks my kidneys are alright, but my rheumatologist doesn't agree. Now she wants to send me to see this doctor in Baltimore where my old rheumatologist used to be, so I guess we'll see what happens after that.

Today my elbows won't straighten. This is going to be bothersome at work. I think I should've taken that shot the doctor was offering when I saw her. D:

Enough with the loops though...

I'm addicted to these macarons... It's crazy. I spent so much time looking at pictures of them online and they're even tastier than I ever imagined. It's like paradise in your mouth. I can't get over it, I'm going to have to go and get them every week now. That's about $20 out of my weekly pay for freakin' macarons. My favorite ones are the pistachio and rosewater. Chocolate and salted caramel is good too...

I want some now. :[

busy times

Sometimes I feel ok for so long that I forget that I'm sick. Then when this time of year rolls around everything just begins to fall apart again. But it isn't so bad this year, I actually feel ok most days if not more tired. I just have so many appointments with so many doctors with so many possibilities.

I wonder if I'll need to get a kidney biopsy. I wonder if I'll have to start chemotherapy. I wonder if I'll ever be able to keep my flares in check so I won't worry about if I can handle a job.

I just want to be ok in this world, you know?

good thursday

It's fuckin' cold out there. I mean... it was alright this morning, but once that sun goes down... it's fuckin' cold as shit! I don't know if I can do this guys. It's only November. I might not live to see the next year. :|

But I went to work the lunch shift today, then went to visit my friend after. We just smoked and I helped him put away their delivery while I waited for Squishy to get off work. I surprised him with my car because we'd been taking the bus around to chill for the past like... month. Haha. So we ate ramen, then went ice skating! It wasn't too hard to pick up again, surprisingly. I had lots of fun. :3

We watched Wreck It Ralph afterwards. I liked it. It really doesn't take much for me to like a movie. I tried not to cry near the end. >_> I think I got that habit from my mom. But there was this really cute animation at the beginning of it called 'Paperman' that I really liked. Everyone should go see it. :D Other than that, I want to see The Hobbit when it comes out... I'm sure lots of people do, but seeing trailers really get you excited, don't they?

Muh... I think I'm gonna sleep now though. Or try to. I have to clean the floors tomorrow morning and work the dinner shift. That I'm so freakin' hungry that I can't even go get a snack from the kitchen. 

If I sleep, I won't be hungry.

Genius, right?

this cold does me no good

I was super fatigued yesterday for no reason other than it being really cold. I could barely make it through class. :[ But the nephrologist's office called and said they didn't have any appointments available until December 18th or something... I'm not entirely sure. I have to recheck that out.

I always forget how this type of weather affects me. I like the autumn/winter season, but I just forget that I feel like shit. I keep thinking that maybe this year, I'll still feel alright. But nope. That has yet to happen. I guess I'll just keep taking this prednisone and being fat. For now...

I finally got my car back the other day. It feels weird to drive and I forgot how to park. :\ Overall it feels good to be able to drive myself around again. I was able to swing by Starbucks and say hi to my old friends. Being back there really brings back good memories, especially at this time of year when it was only 365 days ago that we were all there.

It's funny how things change and people come and go throughout your lifetime. I never really understood people's strict concepts of friendship... you know what I mean? Because they say that 'real friends' are always there for you, that they stick around. To me, that just seems unrealistic and unreasonable... They need to put themselves first before worrying about me. You need to worry about yourself before worrying about others. Friendship doesn't have to be so much work. Is that why I suck at having friends? D:

Anyways, even though everyone has moved on in their lives, nothing can ever change the fact that: once upon a time they were taking care of my drunk ass or driving me around or taking me out or celebrating Christmas with me. Once upon a time, that person was there for you when you needed them and thats already set in history. Doesn't that count for something?

storms & such

Class was cancelled today and tomorrow, so I'm just sitting here on my Macbook while Lana watches Netflix. She doesn't seem to want to take a nap today. :[ She keeps coming over and attacking me every ten minutes or so, especially when I'm on tinychat. I really hope the power doesn't go out here, or it doesn't go out for long. I don't even know what I'm going to do with myself. I bought two pints of ice cream to keep me occupied for the first hour or two, but after that I'll have to rely on my Nook and this laptop. And my phone.

NaNoWriMo is coming up this week. I don't even know if I'll have a chance at that. Writing has been nonexistent lately, lots of starts going to nowhere and everywhere. I can't ever seem to stick to one thing for long before jumping into something else entirely different. I'm like a lot of people, you know. I hate everything I write. How do people do this kind of job for a living? I'll never understand.

There isn't much else to report on from my end aside from my sore ankle and late night cravings for bacon. :|

an early morning

I probably haven't been up at this hour since I stopped working at Starbucks. The only reason I have is that I want to work on this essay I have for English so I can go out tonight and not have to write the whole damn thing tomorrow in the time I'm not working. My co-worker comes back from vacation next week, so I won't have to work on Tuesdays and Thursdays anymore. Although I was stacking up cash, I'm way too lazy to work more. I think I'll actually miss working with Jin, but Yoko might want to take Saturday lunch shifts off and Yuki mentioned not wanting to work those. I might pick 'em up and that'll be my weekly shift with him. That's about it.

I was up late on the forums again! I probably spend too much time pestering the scribbl-diplo community, but sometimes its just too much fun. It was about two in the morning and commissioned this girl to draw some line art for me. When I woke up today, I found she drew me and Kayla riding narwhals. Haha. It's so cute. Isn't it adorable?!

psycochick @ deviantArt.com

Hahaha. I'd better get to writing this essay so I can do other things... First, I'm going to have to eat and sip my tea because I'm hungry as fuck. Seriously. I ate a whole bowl of miso ramen last night for dinner at like 8:30p and then went to Bethesda and ate a freakin' gyro after midnight. I've gained so much weight in the past few weeks, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder "What in the actual fuck." periodically. I know my face can be blamed on the 60mg of prednisone that I'm taking, but everything else? I don't know what made me turn into a gigantic, insatiable eating monster. :[ It makes me sad.

I'm going to go eat now. And drink some tea.

loops ; Left knee pain. Slightly achy. Hungry as fuck.

ugly blog is ugly.

I apologize if your eyes got raped after viewing my blog. I'm the worst at designing anything... I just don't really have a knack for it. I'll eventually get around to finding something nicer. :[

Anyways, I decided that I should make one of these things and keep up with it because I can barely keep up with myself these days. The entire week seems to clump together and I can't discern Monday from Wednesday. It's the worst! Especially when one of my doctors is asking about when something happened or when I saw so n' so. I can only give them a blank stare while I babble random dates that I suspect are right.

Usually, I don't write about much other than what I did during a day. I'm trying to change that up a little and write more about me as a person. Too many things are going on right now and it's hard for me to sort through it all in my brain. Talking about it would be biting off more than I can chew, so the next best thing is writing. Or typing.

I have a lot of doctors. Last week, I added the hematologist and the nephrologist to my phone book. I feel like I see one of them every week, but I know it won't be like this forever. My rheumatologist is just trying to find the right way to proceed with my treatment since it isn't really working as well as she'd hoped. They want to check my kidneys out and see if some chemotherapy would be the best course of action now. If they do that, I'd have to get a biopsy and they'll stick a giant needle in my back. Wouldn't that be fun? D:

Aside from that, I'm just working weekend shifts at the ramen house, taking classes a couple days a week, spending time with little Lana, and hanging around with Squishy. I don't really need much in life, you know. I miss having more time to myself, but this is fine. I like to think I'll be fine.

I think I'm in a good place.

loops today : i'm still fat. my appetite is damn near insatiable. knees hurt yesterday, but fine today. forgot second dose of plaquenil. butterfly is nearly gone. went to hemato and had blood drawn after fasting.

this is not a test.

I lied. It is. D: